But I just lost a very special family friend last sunday. I pulled out my journal and got somewhere, but somehow this is easier, even if I’m not really writing to anyone.
I’ve been see sawing back and forth between extremes: Yes, this is sad but hey, every person has to lose and miss people dear to them. It’s just part of this thing called life.
That perspective turns out to be much too thin of a costume and it slowly, and then rapidly, falls off into a puddle at my feet. And then I’m walking around naked, blinking my salty eyes in class to forbid them from crying. I swing to the exact opposite then, and I’m suddenly angry and confused and asking why…What’s the point of this? Why can’t I cry in class? Wouldn’t people understand? why would I be so embarrassed the next day. Of all people, why Sharon? Why can’t I think of something to say to my poor friend, her daughter.
She’s my age, her name is Christina and she’s so much like her mother. Graceful, so generous, and just such a light to everyone. We haven’t been in great touch, the first time I’ve seen her about a year was at the hospital on sunday when they took her mom off life support.
Nothing I can say can take this away for her. Everyone has to go through this, and it’s her turn, and it’s just one of those things. I feel a need to be there for her, but I shouldn’t build bridges for this poor friend who probably can’t feel her legs yet. What would I want to hear? I don’t know if she needs the same thing…
So I text, “thinking and thinking and thinking of you” and “i love you.” Not at all sure what to say, if to say anything. I know she’ll be okay (someday) and I know she’s very strong, but it’s killing me thinking about how much pain she’s in and how it’s just one of those damn things that no one can relieve her of. And “I’m sorry for your loss” is supposed to be some kind of foghorn to out in the middle of where she must be.
She’s going to work and she’s washing her face and she’s breaking out and crying into her boyfriend’s chest and praying and going to work and sitting on acting dreams and laughing and smiling where appropriate and she must be exploding inside, thinking “why can’t I cry walking down the street, who wouldn’t need to?” Or even worse, maybe she’s not feeling anything at all….not yet…